It’s surprising that I found who I most wanted to be from being someone I didn’t really want to be. I thought for years I would be a Phd, maybe kids, maybe not, pets yes, perfect partner. Career path set and I already had the lifestyle, the clothes, the decorations, the perfect partner, even the pet.
I thought everything was planned out for the rest of my life. I thought this for my entire existence. No one mentions change. No one wants to, especially in Western society. Society often pressures children and young adults, and then older adults, to continually keep one’s nose to the grindstone at all costs, encouraging us to believe we are what we put out, in material terms.
It all changed, almost overnight, at first. The changes didn’t stop. They kept coming. I lost a parent, my health, my sibling, my partner, and my pet. I lost my career path, because I was too sick to proceed. I dropped out of society, and lost my friends. Finally, I became homeless.
But what did this apparently bleak set of circumstances over the years do?
I became completely uninvested in owning or possessing anything at all. I am unattached to physical things, because I have had to move so often, and give up things. I’m used to traveling with about two suitcases, and living out of one of them regularly. I’m now a minimalist in every sense of the word, without needing a course in a, “declutter your life,” checklist.
This was not what I planned on. I wanted career that was recognised by my peers and lucrative. I wanted to buy a home, and I had specifically worked through university to be able to do just that, keeping my credit squeaky clean.
But now I’m everyone’s friend, joyfully engaging with others uniformly. If someone is worthy enough to be born, then they deserve love. I believe in empathising not because of hard times, but because of witnessing human emotions as a kind of equalizer. Everyone has them, and everyone needs space held. That love given is sacred. Compassion is something each of us deserve, and can give freely.
I did not have compassion for anyone, and certainly not myself. I expected Perfection, even if that meant pretending I did not have the need for compassion or even feelings.
The strength to admit one’s vulnerability is the strength one has without armour. The humility of learning this is a continual boon, by reminding me to be generous, compassionate, humble, and charitable.
I have a disorder that can cause instantaneous death, which is also something that caused a great deal of contemplation, for quite a long time. It felt unfair, frightening, and caused anxiety when first diagnosed. However, learning to live each moment flexibly and shaping myself to whims that are not my conscious thought has become an art form. Although I did not choose this path, it just happened, and I follow it. I learned to love and appreciate others’ unique beauty, as well as my own, learning to notice every detail in each moment.
Establishing a firm relationship with my own Beauty has taken a while.
At first, establishing my divine connection came only through, and was supported through, my kundalini mentor. Supporting my God/dess connection came to me when I realised that I was serving myself. My own needs. At first, it felt like I was doing something wrong… As though I was doing something wrong for serving my own needs. But I had to realise that I was serving the God/dess and takeing baby steps to realising I could serve myself. And then, claim that power for myself. To allow the veil of shame be lifted, and instead, enjoy who I am for myself.
You know what else I didn’t plan on? Learning to be comfortable with contemplation, and to seek solitude. To stop being afraid of the unknown, and being broken into little pieces before integrating into my beautiful self.
I learned to be fluid.
One must claim responsibility for changes, for disorder, for oneself, and taking the chaos and accepting the pieces and allowing them to be as they are. To fully mature into one’s divinity, I believe that embracing that note of chaos and leaving anxiety behind is necessary. Simply allowing it to be, while understanding one does not have to control it.
Being willing to enter chaos is being willing to submit and thereby to become tempered by it.