Today meditation is a very popular remedy for stress and most people are aware of its multitude of other benefits. I was first introduced to meditation by my psychotherapist about 9 years ago as an aid to calm my emotions of marital turmoil and uncover my life traumas as prerequisite to healing. Later my sister suggested the use of mantra “I love you,” which I did.

Sending these words into the universe had surprising effects. At that point I was not very immersed into spirituality, but I was able to observe that after each time meditating this way another resolution to my situation came, even though some were very painful, leading me closer towards the end of the unwanted relationship.

After my divorce I used this mantra to calm my nerves. I was in deep distress for many years after ending my 20-year marriage. The feelings of guilt and shame were consuming me. I had a physical symptom from it, a sensation of a lump in my throat. Sometimes it was so strong that I had the feeling of suffocating. I did all kinds of tests to rule out any type of obstruction. There was nothing medically wrong. I concluded that it was my nerves that were causing spasm in my trachea, so I used meditation to reduce the symptoms.

I meditated whenever I felt stressed at first, but with time I grew to love being in this state of relaxation. I never followed any regime; I meditated when I felt the desire or need. Sometimes it would be several times a week for less than 30 minutes, other times it would be several times a day.

During the meditation I was able to bring my body into a deep sleep mode almost like numbness. Only my mind would operate during these states. Sometimes I would listen to a guided meditation, other times to meditative music. One time I achieved a state of total bliss with my face muscles twitching and tears streaming.

Another time my head would roll as if my muscles were relaxing and just letting my head go where it wanted to go. It was a little strange that my head would go down and come up on its own, but the movements were so gentle, and it felt so good (I have a neck problem) so I didn’t mind it and just let it be.

Throughout the many years since I started meditating, I had learned a lot more about spiritual topics. I indulged in books and youtube talks on self-love, power of thought, taking responsibility, being honest, vibrations, and many more but most of all the power of Love.

In my spiritual quest I came across a book of Joe Dispenza, dedicated to the phenomenon of self-healing. Through my spiritual growth I have realized that a lot of our chronic diseases come from unresolved emotions. Joe Dispenza saw the placebo effect as our inner power of healing and attempted to capture that power.

He conducted multiple controlled studies with heart and brain monitors attached to the meditating subjects and compared their waveforms with their results of healing. The prerequisite was to let go of old hurts and grudges and project feelings and thoughts of love and gratitude into the universe. His results were impressive. Multiple of his participants experienced immediate relief form serious diseases and some long-term changes.

When I came across this information, I felt like I won Megabucks. Everything finally made sense and since I had this shooting pain and numbness in my left arm for several weeks now, bad to the point that I couldn’t lift it (most likely from my slipped cervical discs), I decided to try it out on myself. I was already well practiced with eliciting the feeling of love and sending it into the universe, so I just needed Joe’s guidance in meditation.

I had such a powerful meditative experience that I was convinced I healed myself. I checked my arm, the pain was still there, but I wasn’t discouraged, it just needed time to heal, slipped discs don’t heal over night, after all.

It just happened that I had arranged a card reading for the next morning. I don’t usually go for psychic advice but for the longest time I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. I didn’t feel that nursing was agreeing with me any longer.

Fixing people surgically (I am a surgical nurse) was not the way to help them, according to my new understanding. I was probing all kinds of options against my gut feeling and finally I came up with an idea of organizing meditation retreats, which felt good. But I wanted to know for sure before I quit my job and dived into it.

The psychic pulled out several cards, none of which made sense to me. They were about words needing to be written, going beyond normal, open communication, increased awareness, and psychic insight. I was disappointed and ignored this information, the cards gave me no answer to my question. But after sharing my concern with the psychic and her assurance that meditation retreat was a great idea I went home skipping out of joy.

I meditated again that evening just to make sure I healed my arm for good. My heart was pounding, tears of love and gratitude were flowing, my head was going. Suddenly I realized that my whole body was moving out of its meditative posture. My head was moving energetically in the same pattern back and forth. It puzzled me, I never felt it that strong. Was it trying to tell me something? That’s when I remembered Ester Hicks and her writing with her nose. I pulled out piece of paper and followed my nose. I looked down to see what I had scribbled. It read “DID GOOD LOVING”.

A heat wave tinged with fear and excitement flushed through my body. Someone was watching me! Someone, who cared about my heart filled with love, which I deliberately grew starting with my beloved sons, expanding it to my family members, friends, acquaintances, my enemies and eventually to all the people. Now that love that filled my chest to the point of physical pain and made me care about everyone without exception brought me a big piece of truth – a conviction of God’s existence. This revelation began my awakening.