New Year’s Eve 3 years ago I was sitting on a beach in Zanzibar. Everyone around me was in a festive mood, having a great time. There was a bon fire and everyone was in a wonderful mood, ready to welcome in the New Year… And I was sitting among them with tears streaming down my cheeks, heart-broken once again.
I remember saying to a friend that everyone keeps leaving me- what is the point of living in love if everyone keeps leaving me? My friend kept trying to pull me out of the dark hole that I dug for myself while I had no interest in hearing her. I continued to rattle off all the people who promised to love me- and then left me.
My best friend who passed away, the guy who broke up with me on new year’s eve while we were on a road trip with all his friends a few years before (I obviously have some bad karma with the date), the many men who promised me their hearts… until they made it into my bed and then found me wanting… The male best friends who pursued my love until they got it , only to change their minds…
Somehow I was always left behind… left feeling like I wasn’t enough.
After sitting and watching me wallow in my not-enoughness my friend eventually gave up and said: “Jay, I cannot be around this negativity anymore”, got up and left me. Those 8 words were the first sparks that led to a huge moment of enlightenment for me. In the next few days, as I recovered from a hang-over and a broken heart her words started resonating louder and louder. I started to realise more and more how negative I had become. How every thought of mine was laced with venomous self-doubt… Self-disgust even. How I managed to find every little thing to complain about all the while living a beautiful life… New Year’s Eve on Zanzibar for goodness’ sakes!!
I embarked on a journey that has slowly transformed my life. Often it felt like as I took one step forward the tides of life pushed me two leaps back. I was moving against the current of my own negative conditioning, always seeing the worst in everything. The harder I pushed to become a more positive person, the louder the negative thoughts were shouting in my head. At times I sank into a deep depression, wondering what the point of it all was.
Once I stopped pushing against the current and went along with the flow of life things started to change. Life started teaching me about self-love, self-care and self-worth. I started becoming more assertive, setting and enforcing boundaries and, with time, I became more empowered. Above all this journey has brought me to my core. I started getting to know me and learned to love every bit of me- even the yucky bits that I never wanted to acknowledge even to myself.
I learned to be grateful for my life, for what I had, the people around me and the situations I found myself in- even when they were not ideal or how I wanted it to be.By becoming grateful I became more positive, my ego (and negative thoughts) started to speak softer and softer until it eventually became only a whisper. Take a look at these amazing gratitude journals!
It made me realise that as I stand- in every moment of doubt, of shame, of guilt, of depression, of uncertainty, of failure – I am enough.
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